Hit the Red Button

I want to hit the red button.

Reset.

Start new.

Rebrand.

Explode.

This somewhat intangible red button hovering over me. Like a dark cloud, with looming thunder. I’ve got this hunger to change everything. To leave all that I know behind.

But that makes no sense. Give it all up. Everything from which I am built. Seems so irresponsible.

But how do I move forward with all of life’s lessons and blessings without being weighed down by it all?

Life is heavy. It’s glorious. It’s wonderful.

I’m grateful to be here. I’m privileged. I have time in the day to do nothing. What a luxury. I can read a book. I have free will. I live in a place with electricity and running water. I can have any food I want at my fingertips in minutes.

Maybe what I feel is guilt. Guilty for having what others may never see, and perhaps for not fully grasping realities beyond my own. I feel like I am out of touch with reality. A version of myself, a younger me would not recognize.

I am fundamentally the same person I have always been, but why does it not feel that way?

There’s this gap between wanting to do something and actually doing it, and I’m stuck. I'm afraid. Afraid to evolve into the life I've always dreamt for myself because I am afraid of not being able to recognize who that version of me might be, just as I am now afraid of who I have become and who I used to be.

These versions of myself, wholeheartedly forgotten with time. Memories lost. People lost.

Am I lost?

Nothing frightens me more than losing touch with reality. Becoming a selfish amorphous blob who only cares about one thing, and nothing or no one else.

That’s it. That's the fear. I am afraid to both admit what I truly want in this life and also to have it. It's this double-edged sword that's lodged into my eyeball like a stubborn eyelash that I can't quite relinquish.

It’s horrendous. But it's a reliable feeling. One of which I have been harboring for so long.

So how do I move forward on my own journey, but not completely lose touch with what and who has gotten me here this far?

Will I always be who I have always been? It seems too philosophical a question, perhaps almost deceptively simple. Of course, I carry with me all the versions of myself I have ever been. And in order to move forward and evolve, I must carry on.

Hone the lessons learned and the values applied, the generosity given, the blessings, the love and support from those I love most. Harness it all. Level-up. Let my life be as magical as I know it can be.

Surrender to the Creator's will. And all will be done.