The Authentic Pursuit of A Full Life
what my mother's passing taught me about living life to the fullest & how I got here
When I was 20, my mother passed away after a two-year battle with glioblastoma multiforme—an aggressive brain cancer. She was once a vibrant, bubbly light in this world, prematurely snuffed out by a wretched disease.
Today marks the 12th anniversary of her passing. She may be gone from this physical realm, but her spirit is far from forgotten.
One silver lining that revealed itself with her passing was a fire within me, suddenly ignited with a renewed sense of vitality and zest for life. It sparked a desire: to not only live life for myself, but for the both of us. This life changing moment illuminated a simple truth, we all may know, but are afraid to come to terms with: “Life is short.”
And so the early stages of this journey toward an authentic and full life began. It started during my final year of university in Santa Barbara (there are worse places to start living your life and figuring things out, that’s for sure).
One of my earliest memories of this time was slowly starting to “come out” to friends and family. I was phasing out of repressing my truth, opening up to those who loved me unconditionally.
During this time, I started to dig a grave for my former self—a person who desperately needed to shed the hide of victimhood and deep sorrow. This wasn’t a single event, but a series of choices that helped me get there. It meant baby-stepping my way toward a brighter future, and in some cases, jumping even when the proverbial safety net was nowhere in sight.
I finished a regimen of Accutane, which healed my severe acne, alleviating a burden of self-criticism and disgust for my outward appearance.
I discovered that in many situations, binge drinking alcohol is never a good look.
I received my Bachelor’s Degree in Chemistry, after several years of so-so grades. I crossed that finish line with a great GPA my final year, putting more effort into my studies and less effort into tearing down my self-esteem.
I started to date in public, not just making out with randoms in college in secret.
Therapy came knocking on my door, helping me excavate my past and actively seek a life lived in the present. Through therapy, I learned that journaling and writing through my feelings is healing. The pen and the paper became good friends, ones I could whisper my thoughts to without fear of criticism or judgement.
After, university, I had the privilege of living with two of my best friends for a little over a year and a half in LA. We navigated the transition between from full time student to working professionals together, tiptoeing into adulthood with training wheels, never alone.
They saved me. Those years nourished my soul and taught me what true unconditional love can look like, no strings attached.
Also during this time, I had a not-so-prestigious job at a prestigious hospital in LA. It gave me direction and kind colleagues, but was dizzying at times.
When our time living in LA came to an end, I ran into the arms of my grandparents—my Nonni. We developed this mutualistic and loving relationship where we took care of each other. They imparted free shelter, food, and wisdom. In return, I gave them unconditional love, endless rides to doctors’ appointments, and a listening ear for their geriatric frustrations.
Somehow, I managed to commute 2-4 hours a day, work my full-time job, and get my Masters degree in Public Health, all in some type of hasty haze of years smushed together.
Once, I left that job, snatched up a Masters degree, and traveled the world for three months, I left my grandparents’ home for good. I had a new job as an Infection Preventionist at an under-resourced hospital in LA to get to!
I moved out on my own, back to LA, but this time, in a one-bedroom apartment, Downtown.
Three days later, the pandemic lockdown kicked into effect.
Over the years, I had stumbled my way through relationships with the wrong dudes. Among them: a Scientologist, a chain-smoking Republican, a know-it-all, a Brazilian man, and someone who can only be described as pre-serial killer, post-sketchy?
But kissing all the frogs, paid off…
I managed to find the romantic love of my life on BUMBLE, of all places, and we somehow picked up a cute Bernedoodle baby along the way. This is a loving partnership I don’t think I was capable of when I was in a place where I didn’t fully love myself.
And along the way, I managed to find my way back to the beach, and into the loving oceanic arms of Marina Del Rey. With the cool breeze of the Pacific Ocean nearby, my creative spirit has been reborn as well.
I’ve really been working on nurturing my creative inner child these last few years—an inner-child who was abandoned for so long.
These days, I am more active than I have ever been, leaning into things like Pilates and swimming—two physical activities I never thought I would be into.
What I’ve learned on this journey so far includes:
Leaning into the pain points is necessary for peace and self-acceptance, even when navigating the dark stuff.
I am actively seeking more joy and laughter in my life.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be…the pursuit of perfection is not IT.
I’ve made many mistakes in this life.
I’ve spent the better part of a decade fluctuating between social butterfly and anti-social recluse, trying to understand where I belong and what feels right, whether it’s comfortably unfamiliar or just plain uncomfortable.
I have worked on opening myself up as much as I can, because life is better when you let people in.
At times, I am selfish, but I strive to be truthful, and I’ve learned truth is power.
I want to be known for leaving a positive, lasting impression on this world and the people in it. I am the sum of my ancestors, the energetic flow of their dreams and the dreams of my own making. I try to squeeze as much as I can out of this life, for me, but also for my mother.
I forget to give myself grace. I’ve forgotten some of what I have written here, locked it away, because it can be painful and overwhelming to think about. But seeing it laid out here, it’s hard to give up now, I have come so far.
And as the anniversary of my mother’s passing reminds me and I am now reminding you:
Life is short, baby, live it to the fullest, you are a precious angel
Read the book, watch the movie, hug your friends, kiss your lover, call your Nonna, remind your siblings that they are the best parts of you.
Let’s live!
Love this and love you! ❤️